You're A Serial Killer, Charlie Brown
by Xomby
Summary: Charlie Brown finally snaps.


"YOU'RE A SERIAL KILLER, CHARLIE BROWN!" 

By XoMbY 

Charlie Brown sat silently in his desk. He braced himself. This was the day he had been waiting for his whole life. A chance to get back at all the kids who had made fun of his premature baldness and large round head. 

He smiled to himself...a contorted grin that implied mayhem and chaos to follow. It was the last day of elementary school. Little did his classmates know that it would also be the last day of their lives. The footballs, baseballs, kite-eating trees, and cats next door would all get back what they had given him tenfold. 

Taking a deep breath, Charlie Brown opened up his desk drawer. A hatchet stared at him blankly from the shadows within. Before Charlie could pull it out silently, a piercing muffled voice broke his nerve. 

TEACHER: BLAUUGHBLAUUUGH BLAUUUGHHHH BALAGHBLAUGHBLAAAAAH? "Yes ma'am", Charlie Brown replied, wondering why all the adults in his town spoke in a language that sounded like kazoos playing. Had he gone insane? No, he thought...everyone else was.

He had to work a problem on the board. He anxiously walked up to it and grabbed a piece of chalk. Everyone was staring at him. They all wanted the solution to the problem. Charlie Brown knew the only solution to his problem was to kill them all, one by one. Instead, he solved it and went back to his seat. 

Charlie Brown may have been a loser, but he was no fool. For many months he had been preparing for this day. He had starved and beaten Snoopy, and turned him into a killer psycho dog of death. For target practice he had fired at Woodstock. The day had come. At recess, they would all get theirs. 

The bell rang. Children cheered as they raced out of the room. Stuffing his rusty hatchet under his sweater, Brown ran outside to join them. 

"Oh Charlieee Brown...", a familiar female voice called out. 

"Will you kick this football?", asked Lucy Van Pelt sweetly. A dark smile formed on Charlie's face. He had prepared well for this day. 

"I dont know...", he stammered, deep down knowing full well. "You might try to pull it out from under me..." 

"Dont be a blockhead, Charlie Brown! Why would I do a thing like that?" , Lucy responded quite politely. 

"Ok, I'll try...", said Charlie, maniacally laughing inside. Charging back, he ran towards the ball, savoring the tension. At the last minute she pulled it away, but Charlie Brown knew better now. He chopped her head off, and threw her bloody skull onto the ground!!! Then he punted it high into the air. It soared off for a couple hundred feet as all the kids looked up, stunned in stark terror. His eyes blazing, Charlie Brown spared no time in mowing the shocked kids down. He tackled Linus to the ground and stuffed his blanket down his throat, laughing as he choked to death on his own bile. Schroeder was the next to go, as Charlie Brown disembowled him; his intestines splattering all over the teeter-totter. As Charlie began cannibalizing them, he saw Marcie who screamed and ran. But the mad Brown was already on her, butting her to death with his rock-hard head. Suddently Pig Pen and a whole bunch of other kids jumped him. "Shit!!" he cried out in suprise. It looked like the end for Charlie Brown, but then he remembered...and pulled out a whistle. He blew it with all his might, but no sound could be heard from it. 

All the kids looked up in suprise. For high in the sky was Snoopy, dressed as the Flying Ace and riding his dog house. But now he was differant. Now he was foaming at the mouth and sporting two machine gun blasters! All hell broke loose as anti-aircraft fire punctured Peppermint Patty's skull, impaling her brain with lead. Pig Pen spat out blood as he fell stone dead to the earth, seven bullets in his neck. Soon the playground was tinged with red, as hundreds of slain kids fell under the blaze. But then Snoopy ran out of ammo. As a last resort he jumped off of his house and ripped Violet's throat out. Charlie Brown cheered! He had made those bitches pay! He had given "good grief" a whole new meaning!! HAHAhAHAhAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! 

The last I heard of Charlie Brown is that he was sentenced to the nuthouse wing of a maximum security prison for as many years as he has been published in newspapers. 

Snoopy, infected with rabies and insane, escaped and killed the Lockhorns and Dagwood Bumstead before finally being decapitated messily by Hagar the Horrible. 

The locals still talk about the Charlie Brown "incident" to this day, twenty years later. But now I have heard strange rumors, frightening rumors. A neighbor reported seeing a grown man with a massive seven foot wide bald head pounding on a tree with his skull. A young girl told of seeing a bald drooling guy dressed in yellow and black kid's clothes running around and getting tangled up in a kite made out of the stretched hide of a dead cat. Whether he has escaped I do not know, but with the recent mysterious and gruesome deaths of Heathcliff, Garfield, and Catbert, I begin to wonder...

The End? 


End file.
